Today, I go to the doctor. I’m hoping to start my own mini journey to end my struggles. You see, I can’t stop crying. Or seething with frustration. Or being confused, forgetful, easily distracted….regretful. Remorseful. Panicking. Crying some more.
I made the appointment last week after I started my cycle for the 2nd time in 16 days. Not necessarily an unusual occurrence for me, I’ve always had some kind of issue around my cycle, but this time it really hit home. Sixteen days is not enough to have a cycle. Can you imagine what my hormones are doing during that time? Swinging to and fro erratically, possibly landing for a moments breather before yanking themselves up into another unknown direction.
Can you imagine what that hormone spin does to me? To my interactions with the world, with my children?
My daughter looks as me, trying to read each nuance, each subtle change in my face to see if mommy’s going to yell or keep her calm. Is this ‘her’ fault or ‘mine’? At what moment will I (me, mom) start crying? When will I be okay? Will I be okay? She’s even started asking, every day, if I will always love her. No matter what. She ensures that I always pick her up from school…my thought is she wants to know that I’m still here.
And then my cycle starts and the next 4 or 5 days I feel like I can take on the world and nothing phases me. It’s been like this for years.
Except, lately, I don’t get those 4 or 5 days. Except, now I still cry; I still struggle to keep my frustrations under control. Except now, I’m finding myself concentrating with every sense of myself from sobbing in the line at a random store. Not thinking about anything. Not considering what’s going on with my kids, my son specifically, myself.
A blank mind, and still I feel the pounds of bricks that have shortened my breath for the entire day. Still, I feel the liquid breaking through, threatening to draw attention to a perfectly ‘normal’ looking woman, standing in line, waiting her turn to pay for her trinkets. Hormones. Stress. The life of a special needs parent. The combination….
Our whole body is a balancing act …
I hope you get some answers and some help to help tip the scales in your favor, Mia. I can only imagine how unsettled you really feel…
It sounds like you and your family are in a bit of a transitional spot, one that is perhaps already leading to lighter feelings for you, since you wrote this post — because I am sending you Good. Vibrations. Girrrlfriend!!
Still it’s no fun to go through crying and feeling isolated and frustrated. And no-doubt tired too.
It’s okay for mommy to cry. It’s okay for mommy to lose her cool. All mommies yell sometimes. It’s okay to have kids see you struggling to be composed. “Mommy’s sad and frustrated now, but mommy will be happier again, hopefully soon, and mommy loves you very very much, and will always, always pick you up from school! And could you please massage mommy’s feet??”
But I ramble, I do not mean to.
All mommies deserve time for just themselves and not feel a bit of guilt for it. “Not considering what’s going on with my kids, my son specifically, myself.” I would love to hear you doing more of that, Mia. Veg out in front of some movie, munching cheesecake and / or popcorn and drinking lemonade — or other beverage of your choice. Take care of YOU a bit each day, and all else will be easier.
xoxo
P.S.